I had my latest tutorial with Jonathan a couple of weeks ago. I only meant to leave it a couple of days, to think about it, before I wrote it up. Almost 2 weeks have now passed, and I didn’t make any notes, save for a few odd words I jotted down. I’m having difficulty remembering all the detail. I’m thinking that it might be quite good in the sense of acting as a filter – not in the sense of wheat and chaff, because it’s all wheat, but in the sense of what is really playing on my mind at the moment.

Jonathan asked me how things are – things are good, I’ve had a spate of productivity. What is playing on my mind is the end of year show, and what to make. I had thought about making something which reflects my journey over the last couple of years but the issue is that as soon as I think about an end product I start coming out of the process and old behaviours start to appear. Jonathan asked me what I would do if he told me that I had to have an exhibition tomorrow. Of course I would be able to get some work together, because needs must, but when the deadline is months away that’s a totally different kettle of fish. Jonathan asked me why, because what I could do is just approach the show in the same way as I would approach an exhibition tomorrow. I could just forget about it and carry on as I am and just see where I am closer to June, confident that I will always be able to find something to show. I commented that I really wanted it to have a narrative. Jonathan responded that perhaps the narrative is how I have changed. I asked him what students do – make specific work or work in progress etc? It’s a mixture – some make specific work, some bring a selection of what they’ve been working on and respond to the space. It’s a chance to be experimental and whilst it’s understandable that students want to show all the things they’ve been working on, it’s a case of less is more. In fact, it’s a brave choice to show very little. He suggested that as an extreme example, I could have nothing on the wall, but just be me at a table, asking people to draw outlines which I then start to fill in, taking details to forward on images. As Jonathan spoke I could feel myself reacting physically, resisting. That’s not what I had in mind. It goes back to that inflexibility of thought I referred to in Rain, Rain Go Away, but it didn’t take me long to settle on the alternative approach of just carrying on and seeing where I’m at when the time comes, being mindful that there has to be an element of pre-planning at some stage. Making the decision was a relief – I instantly felt the self-inflicted pressure disappear and I realised that my original plan had actually been fundamentally wrong – produce work which reflected a period of time, is not really possible, signifies something coming to an end – much better to show something which reflects where I am in the process at that moment in time – a snapshot of an ongoing process of development. I’m feeling much happier.

We chatted a bit about the perfectionist, product-driven chimp on my shoulder; about how I need to try and stop it from taking control when it comes to having to think about a final product, to keep it quiet which might involve acknowledging what its saying, but not acting on it.

We spoke about behaviour of work, and process. I explained that I am more mindful in the process of making (I’m now wondering whether that’s a good thing or not) and how I enjoy the process much more than the product which is pretty mind blowing considering where I started out. I’ve been thinking about whether process needs to be apparent in my work, or whether it’s enough that I see it when I look at it. I decided that it was – viewers will always bring their own interpretation.

We discussed my thread and paper experiments. Jonathan commented that it seems important along with the layering in my recent work. Will I continue to make videos? Definitely – they are a direct way of representing how I see things.