A Sense of Achievement

My daughter phoned me yesterday, after her final exam. That’s it, she’s done, she’s finished, university is over. Another chapter in her life is coming to an end as another is about to begin.

That’s not the only achievement. Whilst she was at home over the Easter holiday she drove a car for the first time since her head-on collision last May. She felt she was ready – she had been having dreams that she was driving and felt bereft when she woke up to discover that it wasn’t real. A far cry from the flashbacks she had been having. So, I went with her for a couple of drives, and then she asked me how I would feel if she went solo. I told her that I was ok with it if she felt comfortable, rather perplexed by the seriousness with which she had asked the question. Well, you were traumatised by the accident as well and I want to make sure that you feel comfortable with me going by myself.

I’ve been thinking about this conversation and wondering why I was surprised by it and why I’m not still carrying the fall out from the accident with me – what could have happened, and what did happen to my one and only. Maybe it’s because after it happened I was making – experimenting with drawing maps and hands – and writing about it on this blog. It makes me wonder how differently other things might have turned out had I been making art or had written about it at the time.

Keep Making Art!

In this week’s session, as preparation to discussing the impending research paper, we discussed the value of writing for artists. For me, it is a way of organising my thoughts and recording my decision-making so that I can look back and remember why I did what I did, also allowing me to identify any patterns in my way of working or thinking. It also allows a breathing space to step back, to reflect and evaluate. The process of writing often triggers the development of existing thoughts as well as generating new ones. It is also another means of expression; sometimes writing about something provides inspiration as to how I might convey an idea; I often find inspiration from other people’s writing (Parental Loss I Motherhood I); and sometimes writing is the only way to express something, Three Conversations With My Mother. It is an invaluable process.

Jonathan then asked us to spend some time thinking about what is intriguing us.

I have been thinking a lot lately about a conversation I had with Lyberis on the last day of the Low Res. We were in the bar discussing the talk with Jeremy Deller we had just been to, and also the Whitechapel Library audio walk by Janet Cardiff we had experienced in the morning. We had both been blown away by it. I’m trying to understand why it excited me so much; possibly because there was an element of immersiveness, but at the same time I was aware of what was going on around me both visually and audibly; being both removed from and in my surroundings simultaneously was a really interesting experience, particularly when what I was hearing synced with what was actually going on in the real world, like the sound of a moped, just as one went past. The section at St Botolph-without-Bishopsgate was fascinating as she describes two men, one in blue, sitting on a bench, and there actually were two men sitting on a bench chatting. If I had been them, I would have felt unnerved by 20 odd people all sitting down in silence and then getting up and leaving at the same time. It was difficult to work out what was going on. It seemed to be part detective drama, that we were with her looking for someone, as well as a collection of memories, and then, when we reached Liverpool Street Station, she theoretically abandoned us to find our own way back to Whitechapel to return the discman to the library, presumably relying on our memory. It’s just as well they were downloadable files!

But this got Lyberis and me on to talking about memory; how we are made up of our memories; but what if the memories are incorrect or false? I started thinking about how what I am doing is based solely on my memory. My memory is fallible, even photographs are open to interpretation, as we discovered in one of our previous weekly sessions. What if I am my own unreliable narrator? Even if my memories are factually incorrect, if I have a strong emotional response associated with something, surely that can’t be wrong? Is emotion the only true memory? Even if my memories aren’t correct, does that make them any less true to me? And then I was listening to the news on Radio 4 the other day and they mentioned that the writer, Mario Vargas Llosa, had died – he believed that novels should present lies as truths. This gives rise to the possibility that I could even invent my own history.

After taking us through the ins and outs of the research paper, Jonathan raised the issue of AI. He said he uses it to have a dialogue, to challenge his thinking. I’ve used it to critique a piece of work. I came across this article in the Guardian yesterday morning about the artist, David Salle, who has turned to AI to breathe new life into old paintings which hadn’t been rapturously received ‘I sent AI to Art School’.